Hey sweetie pies! I know that this post is a long time coming but it’s honestly been challenging to open up about everything that I experienced during my first trimester. Pregnancy is a beautiful time in one’s life but a challenging and often confusing time as well. I went through a lot of changes that I was not prepared for. It definitely rocked your girl! I am so thankful for my support system that has helped me throughout this journey. Make sure to check out my post on how we found out we were pregnant here.
In this post, I will be sharing what challenges I faced and significant milestones during my first trimester. David and I have also been documenting the weekly progression of my baby bump so I will also be sharing photos as well.
What’s going on with my body?!
It seemed as soon as I found out about my pregnancy, I started noticing changes in my physical well being. Even though I didn’t start showing significantly until the beginning of my second trimester, I definitely started noticing changes in my body. There was a major shift in terms of my physical well-being and it was challenging to not only accept but to quickly adapt. (Pregnancy has a way of forcing you to adapt quickly – whether you want to or not) Within a week or two I often became nauseated – usually triggered by certain smells. Like I literally could not stand the smell of boiled eggs during my first trimester as I would gag. I felt like all of my senses were intensified – smell in particular. I remember smelling one of those bottled Naked smoothies and it was horrendous! I wanted to punch the lady in Walmart who dared to consume it while standing beside me. Speaking of wanting to punch someone, my emotions were definitely all out of whack.
All in my Feelings
I remember my emotions beginning to shift. I often did not feel like myself. I went into what felt like a deep depression. I really tugged with this because this is supposed to be a happy point in my life. I felt this sense of sadness and dread that I couldn’t shake – let alone make sense of. I even struggled with the temptation to self-harm. I think it really concerned David and it scared me because it was hard to process my emotions to explain them to him. Besides I was aware of post-partum depression but not this. I found myself questioning was this depression brought on by the pregnancy or something else. Even in the midst of all this there were days that I was overwhelmingly happy. Ugh it was confusing! These dramatic shifts would often happen multiple times a day. My emotions went from one extreme to the next – all in my feelings.
All in my Head
I also had my share of mental obstacles. I often experienced anxiety about delivery and being a good mom. Like am I fit to be someone’s mom? I will have to be responsible for another life? I felt like I was barely getting by taking care of myself. I was very anxious being a black woman having a baby as well. I had been reading up on statistics for black women often being ignored and such. Women of minorities are often subjected to racism and lack of resources. (Which is a real issue.) It had my nerves on edge! I think a large part of it was that I was having to relinquish control – whether I wanted to or not. I often times had suicidal thoughts that shook me to my core. I remember driving and thinking “if I run off the road and into a pole, I could quickly end it all.” One night I was full of anguish and snapped at David after he asked me a minuscule question. I got in the car and drove around for 2 hours contemplating suicide. I felt like I was losing my mind! I ended up parking in a Walmart parking lot at 1 in the morning and just cried until I couldn’t anymore.
Stay tuned to read how my second trimester and how I managed to overcome a major obstacle. Post will be coming soon in my pregnancy story series! XO, Stormie
“Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.” ~ Napoleon Hill
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